My anxiety manifests in a few ways, but mostly in unfinished
projects and procrastination. To be a person who is known for getting things
done, you would likely be shocked at how often I’ve done nothing until the
final countdown! I can do everything quickly because I usually wait until the
last second to do anything.
Which is why I have six half written posts sitting in my “Fat
Mom” folder. Yes – 6. I have one I started in APRIL when an old man yelled that
I was a bad mom while we watched a baseball game. Another about how healing
from the tumult of 2017 is taking longer than I planned. Another about how I am
not gracefully accepting being done having babies. Another about how searching
for our home nearly broke me, but redefined “home.” So. Many. Posts.
So, here I am. Writing. We field tripped all morning, so Maggie
is sound asleep. Dinner is prepped. Big kids are building Legos together with
only occasionally shouting… I have not excuse not to take these few minutes the
universe has so lovingly granted me and produce something… But I am wondering
if this one will make it to post or just add to the other non-published posts
in my folder. I hope it will.
We have been in a really good place the last few months. We
got settled into a house. Our homeschool year is getting rolling, and we are so
excited to have real plans this year. We have some trips coming up. Including a
week at the beach. I am really looking forward to the holidays since last year
was so crazy that we didn’t even put up a tree… I have some BIG holiday plans
this year, folks. We are talking TWO Christmas trees, caroling, service, and so
many friggin’ twinkle lights that Clark Griswold would be proud! I digress...
I must admit, one of the hardest parts of recovering from
the last year has been feeling bored. Yep, you read that right. B-O-R-E-D.
Jason left his job in July of 2017. We had to hustle to make ends meet. He spent
a bit of time in West Tennessee with his family as his grandfather passed. Then
he went to New Jersey. Then I fixed up and sold the house. Then we moved. Then
we started homeschooling. Then we looked for a house. Then we moved again…
Hectic is the most moderate word I can think of to describe our last 12 months.
And with anxiety that was only medicated for part of it, I
can say it was certifiably miserable.
Now we are in this place of calm, I feel very pensive. Jason
will likely be traveling again soon, but we are settled, have loads of plans
and activities, and supportive family 5 minutes away. The kids are happy… I
feel like I am waiting for the hammer to drop, but for the first time in years,
there is honestly no hammer. Our life is really damn good right now…
And that is where the boredom sets in. And where there is
boredom there is increased anxiety. I cannot help but feel like I should
constantly be tackling some major life problem. Truthfully, my constant state
of panic and need to getthingsdonerightnow
has served me well in the last year. There were things to worry about all the
time, so my need to worry about things all the time was fed heartily! Now,
there is little to worry about outside of the normal life stuff… and I find
myself resorting to procrastination to feed that need to worry.
Messed up, huh? My life is so good that my brand of crazy
wants me to intentionally create distress so I can feel comfortable.
Maybe it was my chaotic childhood… I never really learned
how to function in calm. I never learned how to accept peace. I’ve honestly
just never felt safe enough to say, “yeah, we are gonna take it easy.”
Maybe it is that I feel I don’t deserve this good life. The
love of my family. The kindness of strangers ( I talk about this a lot in the
post about the old man that yelled at me. No worries! I yelled back!)
So many questions. No idea of the real answers.
In an effort to change this need to create panic, I am going
to post this. I am not sure why. I feel like this post doesn’t really have a
topic. Or theme. No real point other than to say, “hey – life is good, but I’m
still a little nutso!” It feels silly to post. But I just need to finish
something!
I hope if you know this feeling, you come heal right along
with me. It’s a journey for sure, and one that is easier with support near and
far. I hope it helps someone out there!
