On Help and Humility

I have spent the day packing, cleaning, and spackling holes in preparation of painting my entire house... An entire day for it to look like I just moved a bunch of stuff around. I also decided today that it would be so much easier to just burn it all to the ground.

Please keep any flammable items - lighters, matches... hell... even magnifying glasses - out of my reach until I am safely residing in Tennessee. Otherwise I will absolutely light all this up.

I digress. My husband leaves Tuesday night to be with his family as his grandfather and the Nelms family patriarch passes out of this life and on to the next. Once Jason leaves his family in West Tennessee, he will head to one of his job options – neither of which are here with us. Our indefinite time apart beings within 24 hours.

I find being overwhelmed with how much there is to do to be my knee jerk reaction. I’m going to bed insanely late. Get up ridiculously early. Sacrificing time with my kids – who I genuinely like – becomes a necessity out of too much pride and shame to ask for help. We all know being a parent in general is a big job. Being a solo parent for a few months is a slightly bigger job. Selling a house and moving states away while your biggest support can only video chat with you is damn near impossible.

But here I sit... feeling like I have to do it all by myself. Like asking for help is an admission that I am not capable of managing my own life. That simply saying “I need _____” is the absolute worst thing I could do right now. But why? Why is asking for help such a sign of weakness? Everyday I tell my kids when they are sad or frustrated that I can’t help them if they don’t ASK FOR HELP. Why can’t I take my own advice? Even accepting offered help is incredibly hard.

BUT WHY?!?!?

As I spackled my four millionth hole today, I really focused on this question as I fought back tears of overwhelmed-ness. For me, it comes down to two big reasons. Being fat means I have been taught that I am not allowed to inconvenience others – ever. Simply existing in more space than others is already viewed as an inconvenience, so asking someone to do something for me makes feel the weight of that overarching judgement pretty heavily. Which really sucks, because there are a lot of people who really love me and want to help me, but accepting that makes me feel weak. And, as discussed in previous posts, being weak is not an option when you are fat.

I also reflected on my time in the LDS church. I was Mormon for a long time and a lot of the great things in my life have come by way of the church. But, through my formative years and a large portion of my adulthood, I was told that self-reliance is the way to peace, happiness, and a blessed afterlife. Self reliance, enduring to the end, and seeing trials as a test of one’s character and faith were drilled into me from the time I was 12 until I left the church at 30. Essentially, asking for help was an open admission that you lacked faith or had made a bad choice somewhere along the way.

I think my inability to ask for help comes primarily from these experiences. I am also an insane control freak whose never really needed help. Or, I have been in denial about when I need it. ‘ll save that crazy for the therapist! But instead of using this platform to whine, I am hoping to use it to change myself and help others think. Melissa from this morning was brainstorming ways to not need help. So, the more enlightened Melissa from tonight will simply as for it. Like Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy, I stand before you stating:

I NEED HELP. LOTS OF IT.

I need help with my kids. I need help in my house. I need help with my feelings. I need help. I’ve been so bold as to create a signup  sheet on google docs. If you would like to see said sign up sheet, let me know. I’ll share it with you.

I am not sure how being this bold in asking for help will be received. If people think I am abusing the opportunity to ask for help, so be it. They don’t have to help. But for anyone who has a spare minute that they want to throw my way, I would take it in a heartbeat right now.

I would also be grateful forever.

I am trying to be real. Honest. Vulnerable. Let people know that, even though I am a generally happy person, who is loved and loves others deeply, that struggles aren’t always a result of your actions. And sometimes, you have a hard time even when you are a good and happy person. It's called beig a human. Sometimes, there is just a lot to do and not enough resources to do it. And that doesn’t make you a bad, faithless, less worthy person. Needing help is ok. It’s allowed.  Even for a fat ex-Mormon like myself.

I hope you know that I still see my life a beautiful and charming. It’s just hard right now. It won’t be hard forever. But I am learning that the level of hard is directly proportionate to my willingness to exercise genuine humility and ask for help. 

ANUSTART

The good news? Anyone waiting for a spot at SASC or Faith Presbyterian will have their chance in January. Get by your phones!

The bad news? It’s because our time in Tallahassee has come to a close. Our family is moving to Knoxville, TN the week between Christmas and New Year’s.  Our house is going on the market as soon as  our Realtor is back from vacation in mid-November.

I wish I could say this is because of an amazing job opportunity- that we will make tons of money and we are essentially riding off into the sunset. It’s not exactly that. Don’t misunderstand – the market in Knoxville for what Jason does is significantly better than it is in Tallahassee. It is a bigger city with lots of private industry career opportunities as opposed to Tallahassee, which is completely contracting for the state government. He will actually have the chance to grow within a company  and expand his skill set, as opposed to scrounging for a contract every few years, with crappy benefits and lower than industry average pay. Something really different is what we were looking for when he resigned in July. A CAREER – not a job. We have several irons in the fire, and it is only a matter of time before he is working again.

I wish I could post pictures of a house we have already offered on, that is a huge yard with an open floor plan and tons of natural light pouring into the designer kitchen, but I can’t. We are currently scrounging for a short term rental that will simply take our dog (and kids!) Three months of unemployment doesn’t look super great to mortgage companies (even when you have impeccable credit) I get it. Those pictures will have to come next Spring.

I wish we had made this choice under different circumstances, but Jason has been actively looking for work for 3+ months. We first expanded the job search to other areas of Florida – Jacksonville and Pensacola... then Orlando. Then recruiters would mention other markets that were “on fire” for people like Jason in other states. So, we considered living apart while Jason would take shorter term, higher paying contracts and travel. The problem is, we tried it. For one week I took our kids to DISNEY while Jason went to Tennessee indefinitely for a family emergency. It was awful. At the happiest place on earth all my kids wanted was their dad. All I wanted was their dad. All he wanted was us. Mind you, this was seven days. There is no way we were going to last weeks at a time on just a few weekend visits. I commend the families that manage this lifestyle. It is not for the faint of heart -  which is exactly what I am.

After about 7 weeks, we said, “Fine. Open up to anywhere and we will see what is out there!”

And the calls came. Austin. All over California. The Midwest. But nothing felt right. We would browse the housing, cities, and school districts of the more interesting jobs that would call and just not feel as good about those places as we do about Tally. We would let the opportunity pass, and continue searching for either short term contracts away or local positions in Tally. Until one day a recruiter from Knoxville called with a request for someone who “loves to swim in data.” That is Jason. He loves data. He loves to do technical stuff to it. The job was intriguing. And we already know about Knoxville because Jason went to college there for a couple years and my sister lives there. We have visited and loved it each time we have gone.

And the clouds parted. Light shone down. Angels sang.

For the first time in months we felt optimistic about a job and a place at the same time. Genuine excitement at the thought of “anustart” (if you get that reference, I will miss you most!) I wish this choice didn't look like a choice born of desperation from the outside looking in. Because the truth is, we have options. There are still people calling Jason about Tallahassee jobs that would quickly restore our life to what it was. Or, bigger moves to more remote places that would change our lifestyle completely by lowering the cost of living while increasing our income... But none of those options feel right the way this does. If you had asked us when Jason left his job in July if we were planning to move, the answer would have been a hard "NO!" I am glad things have gone the way they have - it has opened our eyes to what we really need and want. The simple truth is, Knoxville is where we feel like we are supposed to be right now. I mean, look at the skyline!

We will miss the life we have made in Tallahassee. But, the screaming emanating from my front yard as my kids load up for school is becoming too regular of an indicator to ignore that it is time for a change. We need it. The kids need it. We built something beautiful here, but we aren’t done building. We need something different than what we can get here, and Knoxville has what we are looking for. I love that so many families have called Tallahassee home for generations, and this time last year, I thought we would be one. But whatever is running this universe has a different plan.

So, we are trading Disney for Dollywood. Beaches for mountains and white water rafting. Seminoles for the Vols! Sweltering summers for four definitive seasons (the cold will take some adjusting, but my winter body game is strong – I will survive!) The kids are excited for snow and for the first time in my life, I am, too! We will miss you so much, but we are excited for even more for this next chapter! To Tennessee we return!

 p.s. Anyone want to watch my kids while I paint or let me store stuff in their garage while we stage our house?!?!?  Moving with kids is no freaking joke!